Journey to Fusion
You may remember in a previous post that I said I didn’t want to have surgery. Well, the time is coming that is my only option for my spinal stenosis in my neck. I have been referred to a surgeon for a fusion.
I tried medication’s, procedures, physical therapy, gentle movement, some alternative treatments , and taking the best care of my body, I could at the time.
When my second epidural did not work I went into a stinky space in my brain. The thought that my body failed me again was so present it seemed real. thinking my body had failed me made me feel discouraged, sad, and resigned.
And from those feelings, I didn’t sleep at all last night. Monkey brain was real. I made lists. I filled up my shopping cart. I worried.
As I watched the sun come up behind the fog on our farm I had the revelation (yet again) that I trust my provider. Scott has been nothing but honest with me and encouraged me as he educated me on the choices that I had about my body. He was kind, understanding and so professional. Allison made sure that I laughed and smiled during my visit, and even gave me one of the best shots I’ve ever had. I didn’t even feel it. Rachel had my next appointment ready before I even got to the front.
As I write this, I realize how blessed I’ve been on this journey. Not only do I have an incredible medical team. I have a community that loves me even when I’m at my worst. The times I go into my cave and disconnect from those that matter. I also have a husband and family who love me unconditionally and that is not something everybody can say. For which I’m so very grateful. I also have a Jesus who keeps me from breaking up with him every single time I try.
Each of these folks has let me be a mess when I needed to. Some sent small gifts. Some sent loving messages. One in particular made sure I had tasty suppers. All made sure I felt loved, supported and cared for.
The lack of sleep during the night made something click. I know I need the surgery and I know in the long run my body will feel better. And there will still be times that I grieve, I feel sad and I worry. Do you know why? Because I’m human and I have a human brain.
At the end of this part of my journey I will be ready not just because of these wonderful people in my life but because I will allow my brain to be a brain and recognize when my thoughts get stinky.
This fusion is just another bump in the road.
“People think my life has been tough, but I think has been a wonderful journey. The older you get, the more you realise it's not what happens, but how you deal with it.” Tina Turner
