Tis the season

Starry night sky as my roof

Tree tops as my ceiling

Firelight glowing warmly

Laughter as my soundtrack

Love as my blanket

Fills this aching body

Sleep coming swiftly

Knowing I am safe

Cared for in body and heart

You may remember in a previous post that I said I didn’t want to have surgery. Well, the time is coming that is my only option for my spinal stenosis in my neck. I have been referred to a surgeon for a fusion. 

I tried medication’s, procedures, physical therapy, gentle movement, some alternative treatments , and taking the best care of my body, I could at the time. ..

“People think my life has been tough, but I think has been a wonderful journey. The older you get, the more you realise it's not what happens, but how you deal with it.” Tina Turner

Why do I keep talking about thoughts? Remember algebra (which was never my friend btw)? Equations went something like A+B=C.

It is kind of like that. What we think affects how we feel. How we feel affects what we do or don’t do. So a thought we have creates a feeling. That feeling leads us to do or not do things. So our thought ultimately result in outcomes.

Heaviness seeps in

Aching settles into my joints

Fog falls over my brain

Tiredness becomes a yoke

Light becomes an enemy

Somersaults fill my gut

Tears flood my eyes

Energy seeps out

After a long week I find myself asking if a slow easy day is rest or being lazy. Do you ever do that?

What I have come to learn is that it depends on my thoughts about the slow easy day.

Ever had one of “those” days? Nothing seems to go right. You are late for work. You get stuck in traffic. You burn the toast. The kiddos fight constantly. Your pain scale doesn’t come close to defining how badly you hurt.

When you have chronic pain you may look “fine” on the outside but feel like a$$ on the inside. People around you cannot see your pain level and they may not be aware that you feel less than fine.

Have you caught yourself agreeing to do something when you hurt too bad to do it because you were worried what others would think? Were you concerned the invitations may stop? Were you worried you would look weak or less than?

Want to set your day up for success? Find a thought that leads to a positive feeling that makes you feel determined, focused, joyful, happy, or ….

WRITE IT DOWN! Why? Because when we write something down it comes out of our brain and allows us to see it in a different way.

POST THAT THOUGHT SOMEWHERE YOU WILL SEE IT THROUGHOUT THE DAY!

Why? So that when you catch one of those less than helpful thoughts running amok in your brain you will see, catch yourself and say …”oh yea…”

“What can I do in my body right now?”

“I know how to take care of myself when I hurt”

“I am a bada$$”

“I will figure it out”

“I am not my diagnosis”

“I am (insert your thought)”

Let me know in the comments what some of your more helpful thoughts are and how you are focusing on remembering them.

Have you ever been on a curvy road that winds back and forth on a mountain? They take longer to get to the top and yet are safer than going straight up.

We can do the same thing with our thoughts. By coming up with thoughts that are more loving about our body or diagnosis we change the direction of our day. Much like the windy road up the mountain a thought switch moves us in a new direction.

In the past I thought going to a pain clinic meant opiates or surgery. I’m not saying those are wrong choices, they just aren’t ones I wanted to choose for myself.

Once I let go of the thought I was giving up, I held onto the thought that I was open to learning new ways of managing my pain.

That thought led to a feeling of curiosity.

And I met a fantastic provider who listened to me with openness and provided options I hadn’t explored.

When pain is high

The gentle touch on my shoulder

The look of encouragement

The task done without being asked.

Remind me I am not alone in my cave

As I have walked this journey of moving beyond the diagnosis there are times grief comes up.  

When that happens I sometimes focus on what I have lost:

Consistency in my days, the ones that pain keeps me from doing what I want to.

Movement without thinking. Especially the days that I have nerve pain and I cannot feel my feet.

A body I can trust to do what I want or need it to do on days I fall. 

On days my brain isn’t a jerk I focus on what I have gained.

It took 10 years for providers to listen to me.

I was told it was “all in my head” even as I dropped things and fell while walking.

I have since learned that women take up to 4 years longer than men to be diagnosed. Women are often misdiagnosed with mental health conditions rather then receiving treatment for the physical reason they sought care.

Trying to explain why I don’t want to do something can be frustrating. When everything aches. Bending to empty the dishwasher makes you lose your breath. Ever been there? Your thoughts can get pretty stinky on those days.